Unless you’ve been living under a rock or never heard of the game of Tennis, you know that Venus Williams played in the Women’s finals today at Wimbledon. It is a bit of a shame it will always be whispered that the reason she was in the finals was because her sister, Serena (who I used to refer to as my next wife) was not there.
Setting aside the armchair sports commentary for a moment, it is the reason why Serena wasn’t there that has my nose out of joint. She’s pregnant! And engaged!
I was not consulted on any of this! It turns out she is like every other woman I’ve ever stalked!
You write letters, cover you walls with pictures and stolen underwear. You ignore one court order after another. And for what?!
Serena is no better than Jennifer Aniston. I gave Jennifer – the hussy – the best years of my life. And after stringing me along with all those legal threats (we know what she really meant) she leaves me for this poof!
Then, when Angelina kicked Billy Bob to the curb, I thought AH-HAH! This is the woman I’ve been looking for! Of course, Pitt couldn’t leave well enough alone. He saw what was happening and used whatever evil means were available (probably blackmail – I mean she was dating Thornton) to steal her from me.
I had all but given up on women until last night. I was sitting in my living room, eating Cheetos, drinking a Yoo-hoo, wearing Serena’s underwear on my head (yeah, I still carry a torch for her in my heart) and watching FOX News. I got the impression Kimberly Guilfoyle was giving me the hairy eyeball. Maybe this will FINALLY be my chance at true happiness.
I’ll keep you posted.
I know what you are thinking: How could a good-looking man, who isn’t of retirement age, be watching Wimbledon and the Tour De France AND the Open, and writing sophomoric posts about hot celebrity chicks? Well, listen up, buttercup! By next year you could BE at Wimbledon, center court! Or you could watch the peloton zip by from the courtyard of a French Bed and Breakfast. All you need to do is pay attention!
Matt Jordan is the author of Street Politics: It Ain’t Your Daddy’s GOP Anymore! Unlike Russell, I will not give this to you for free. But you can get it here NOW!
Or just start reading on Kindle Unlimited!