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The Weird Shit Humans Do – Part I (Kissing)

The best thing about hosting a political blog is that when I grow weary of covering the political zoo, when I despair of ever finding an actual statesmen in this intellectual wasteland, I can occasionally avert my attention and just have fun.  To wit:

Let’s Play Smashy Face!

Have you ever sat back and taken stock of human behavior and interaction from a critical point of view? Half of you just muttered, “Of course; stupid question.” Sadly the other half just said, “Huh?” Well, Supercyrano has been pondering this oddity that is the human being. And just for shits and giggles, I’ve decided to play with it here on the very blog that brought down Jay Carney…sort of.  My own lip is curling just a little bit.

Now this is one that I have been pondering for a while.  More than passing strange, is kissing.  As a friendly greeting or display of familial love, it is odd enough.  But as an action of passion, well, how did we hit on this?  Who was the first person to say,”Hey, I’m felling a bit horny.  Let’s see if there is anything to it.  Smash your mouth against mine and we’ll gauge the result”?

Seriously, what an odd development.  I have always assumed it was an outgrowth of us sniffing at each other as humans did before the Kennedy Administration.  I still do that.  I usually get kicked out of the bar, but I’m also drunk by that time so it’s all good.

I did some reading on the subject of kissing.  At Psychology today, Noam Shpancer (now there’s a name for ya), PhD says, “ A kiss brings us into close physical proximity with the other, close enough to smell and taste them. The face area is rich with glands secreting chemicals that carry genetic and immunological information. Our saliva carries hormonal messages. A person’s breath, as well as the taste of their lips and the feel of their teeth, signals things about their health and hygiene, and thus their procreative suitability.”

Dude!  Are you trying to put me off kissing?  Aren’t doctors gross?  How do they ever have sex?

So what, did people say way back when – before Whoopi Goldberg started shaving her eyebrows and Rosie O’Donnel started… shaving?  “Oh!  BLECK!  No, Sweetie, I don’t want you to be the mother of my uggles (caveman for babies).  I am not happy with the taste of your dental bacteria and your salivary secretions.”  Of course, what sane man- even a caveman –  would say that?  Maybe that was when they invented the line: “It’s not you, it’s me.”

But I digress.  

When kissing, who but the most socially maladjusted, analyzes the other’s spit and glandular output?  We are just hungry for each other.  We’re not sampling.  We’re trying to find out just how much we are going to get away with tonight.  At least the guy is.  The woman is criticizing technique and calculating whether she might put off mimosas with the girls to give this schmo a shot at the title.

But why kissing?  Why not thumb wrestling or the shot put?  Why not balancing baseball bats on our noses.

Doctor Shpancer asserts that maybe, “we bring that person into our vulnerable personal space and agree to take the risk of catching an infection or disease.”

Doc!  Seriously!  Okay, I’ll go as far as checking for halitosis and maybe hoping her double mint is still tasting minty.  But stop with the microbes!

You have to admit though, it is a damned funny activity.  Maybe there’s a stunt aspect to it.  It is something you can do with no hands; “Look Ma!  I’m only using my lips – AND I got my eyes closed!” 

Remember, I AM a Professional.

I would have to say though, that in the case of kissing, our hands may actually add a degree of difficulty to the execution.  You have to know where to put your hands for maximum effect.  While I pride myself on kissing ability, I used to get ahead of myself in terms of the hand placement continuum. For example, when kissing a person for the first time, it is unwise to showoff your one-handed bra hook technique, especially on a crowded subway platform.  It cost me half a paycheck just to make bail.  Oh, and you should probably know her name by this time.

So guys, I have found that the technique that works best (and avoids having to register as a sex offender) is to move slowly.  Remain a bit tentative.  This puts the prey, er – ahem! – uh, your date at ease.  It lets her think that you are not the presumptuous pig that most of you are.  As your lips meet, try the “one – two” technique.  One hand goes to the waist, the other to the side of the neck and just touching the jaw line.  First waist, then neck.  Try it in the mirror a few times until you are comfortable with it.  Then wipe down the mirror.

Now we move the actual kiss itself.  There is a lot to avoid here.  The biggest is simply not getting carried away.  There are people out there who think passionate kissing consists of placing your mouth over the lower half of the intended’s face and lashing the tongue about like it was a whale tail.  NO!  Bad dog!  All this does is freak out your date and leave her nose, chin and some clothing dripping with unwanted spit.

Video examples:  Don’t be this guy!

Another ‘fail’ is treating the tongue as a separate player in the project.  This is where one partner avails the tongue even slightly, and the other forgets the lips and tries to suck the tongue right out of partner number one’s face.  A well-delivered kiss is like a French desert recipe.  Tongue and lips must work together, balanced and subtle to have the desired effect.

Back when I was a world renowned lover, the technique that led the fewest arrests was to combine the peck and passion technique with the one – two maneuver.  You should proceed thus.  When you are ending a date or at a quiet moment when she registers clear affection, lean in slowly while holding her gaze.  A quick kiss (the peck), then One (hand to the waist).  Now, inhale through the nose. You don’t want to pass out.  Next, open your lips ever so slightly against your partners lips.  If still in the game, she will do likewise.  Now touch your tongue lightly to her lips.  Now Two (hand to neck).  This starts the passion segment.  Close your eyes.  Your date should respond and your tongues should just touch.  She may even lean into you; pure heaven.  Now you may kiss more urgently and firmly.  Just don’t drool or giggle into her mouth.

Whether you use my ideas here or find something nice that makes your best girl feel good, just remember that the most successful kisser is the one who seeks to give pleasure.  The pleasure returned will be exponentially greater.

I was hoping to follow this with a segment on fondling and necking.  But the judge signed a gag order, in force until the trial is over.  Ah, well.  On the bright side, I may get off with time served.


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